This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
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I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Covid like
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!