“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
That earthquake could have been an email.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.