This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I support this random dude and all his protests
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The options really are this bad
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.