6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’