This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.