@alexualhealing: This is just the best forever
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@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
@mstluvstrinkets: People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
@generaldietz: [Olive Garden] Me: *walks in* Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back. Me: Huh? Hostess: When you're here you're family.
@Ms612: Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you're probably not making it out alive.