When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.