Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.