i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style