When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Finally! 😈
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
channeling her this year
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Imma just leave this here…………
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere