“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
You Might Also Like
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Challenge accepted.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
me hitting on a model
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.