Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My dad teaching me to drive
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.