@delusions_of: This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
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@Parentpains: Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn't have known they had a torso.
@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
@Mirimade: When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
@nojeshua: [mysterious British man rescues me] Me: How? Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.