@delusions_of: This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
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@GoldenSpirals: Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat.
@SethMacFarlane: I wish I could explain to my cat that when I sneeze it doesn't mean the world is ending.
@jackiembouvier: I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said "unexpected item in bagging area".