This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order