“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Sooo many times…..
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.