Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
satan: not today, microsoft teams
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Risking my life for fun.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18