This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”