This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You Might Also Like
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.