This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.