this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
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*offers Batman cough drops*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
the answer was staring at me all along
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.