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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you