[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
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30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*