Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
i dont have time for this
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do