“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.