this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Whisper out to librarians!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Welcome
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.