Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”