My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
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ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
it’s finally my moment to shine
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”