“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You Might Also Like
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.