“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move