This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.