this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants