this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
They must have gotten it to go.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.