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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
That de-escalated quickly
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
house sitting!
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.