[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.