This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
You Might Also Like
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Sorry not sorry.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.