This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.