[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.