“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.