All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I’d love this…lol
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot