People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
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Love this guy
Truth
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!