Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday