This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.