This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
*weighs self after shaving
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.