This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.