This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
IT’S-A ME,
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I…do not understand how electricity works.