@thatUPSdude: This made me laugh and that's all we need some days.
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@better_off_dad: A simple smile can brighten someone's day... ...but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
@Contwixt: Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
@DranoRaul: People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it
@chuuew: [pulled over] COP: Did you know you were speeding? ME: I didn't even know I was driving COP: Out