This made me smile…
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.