Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
The human personality is made of five key elements
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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