I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.