This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’