This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I have many caverns
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.