“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate