This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You Might Also Like
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Left at a local drug store…
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.